When we knew it all - advice for the young
It's 10:12 p.m., Saturday, February 6, 2010 and 17 degrees.  There is so much snow outside.  :(  gah, I hate winter.  I hate feeling cold.

Well, I'm looking at my age and kinda laughing right now.  Remember when we were 18 and thought that we knew it all?  Remember when we confused infatuation with love and believed strongly that we were just meant to be with that person, regardless how they might have treated us?  We believed that no one knew better than we did and would never understand our plight.  Ha, how foolish were we?

As we grow up, we mature and realize who we are and who we want in our lives.  We become empathetic toward the plights of others and less absorbed in this thing called "self"

Ah, what mistakes could we have made when we were 18 and so naive to the world ever trusting to a young heart that was uneducated in the ways of the world.

Regardless how mature that you believe you are at 18, 19, 20 or even 22...you are not.  You are still a kid teetering into adulthood.  You have much to learn.  Until then, you are only going to follow infatuation and mal-formed ideals of what you think the world to be.  You are going to hurt someone along the way and it's important not to play with the heart.

When I was young, I thought that I had loved; however, I see, now, that I was just a kid trying to fit into a grown-up world and as I was hurt with the realities of the world (such as dating someone who had been divorced, or hearing tales of previous girlfriends) it chisels away at the illusion of your world.  Be prepared for that.  Everyone has a past and everyone learns from their past.  Don't hold anyone's past against them.  Otherwise, if the past is what they had wanted to remain in, how could you have met that person?

Don't find yourself lost in the jealousy of possessiveness.  It's not healthy and will only lead to fights.  Get two people together who are both lacking in emotional maturity, those fights could be disastrous. 

Take your time and get to know your friends.  Get to know your potential relationships.  Get to know yourself....but most importantly, do not disconnect yourself from your family.  If you family says that they do not like the person whom you are dating...do not fight them, cry nor argue.  But, believe me...they are not saying that to hurt you.  They are saying that because they see something in that person that they had seen when they were younger.  Despite what you children believe, your parents really have "been there and done that" and do not wish to see you hurt.  No parent...well, responsible and loving parent...ever wants to see their child hurting.  Listen to them.  If you rebel against them, then you are severing the sail of the only ship you have to sail.  This is your life.  Do not sail with reckless abandon.  Be responsible.

Get a job... yeah, you may be 18 or even 20 and still living with your parents.  If you are not going to college...GET A JOB.  I'm sure that in this economy, you've figured out that money is hard to earn and if you are looking at entering into adulthood, do not sponge off of your parents.  DO NOT STEAL from your parents.  Do not steal from anyone.  They raised you and it's time that you figure out what you want to do in life and help out financially if you expect them to continuously shelter, feed and clothed you while you are no longer a dependent.

Continue your education.  I'm 30 years old and only have a high school diploma.  I had thought that would be enough and when I graduated, it was enough.  I worked some hard jobs before I ended up where I was prior to being laid off.  Now, the job market is over saturated with employed folks.  A lot of these folks of college degrees and will be those more likely hired over the likes of me.  Continue your education while you are still young and if you are still in high school, talk to your guidance counselor and create a road plan to college.  There are scholarships available to you that will not be available when you are an adult.  I've finally decided to go to college and start in September.  Please, value your education and soak everything that you can into your brain.  Do not let computers, cell phones and whatever dumb you down right now.  Pull yourself out of facebook and read a book. 

Another thing...don't use drugs.  Regardless how you may feel about that right now... Nothing good comes of it and there are employers who have such extensive drug testing for employment, that they can go back 7 years to determine if you'd used drugs.  They take some of your hair and can read what you've consumed.  If you drink, please wait until you are 21 to drink.  If you drink younger than 21, your emotional immaturity can really come out and cause you to act out and say things that you would have never otherwise done.  Also, don't start smoking.  It is not cool.  It makes your clothes stink, causes respiratory issues along with a whole buffet of other issues.  Those who smoke now wish every day that they could quit.  It's a very addictive drug and addicts become dependent on the nicotine. 

The moral of this blog...don't jump into anything so drastic when you have rose-colored glasses glued to your face.  Everyone is entitled to mistakes, but learn to listen to your environment and allow your heart to have training wheels.  Don't let it take off like a rocket and burn someone in the process.

Yes, there was a time when I had thought that I knew it all...but I knew nothing.  I'm still gradually learning and figuring out who I am; but, I have a good idea.  Like the song says, perhaps in my next thirty years I'll enjoy the smaller and more simple things in life that I had taken for granted in my previous thirty years.

Laugh often, keep a good sense of humor, don't tell jokes that aren't funny to anyone and always work at improving yourself.  Please wait till you are married before you have children.  Children are a huge financial obligation and are not like obtaining a family pet...even though there are people who feel that they can be abandoned as easily. 

I am not a smart person nor do I believe that I even know it all now.  I'm only sharing some things that I've learned and observed over my lifetime.  I know of some kids who are wanting to jump into a marriage without knowing nor understanding the fundamental truths of adulthood.  They let their jealousies get to them and their arguments turn violent.  Oh, I see my past here.  Please, if it's something that you really want to do while you are a teenager, or even in your 20s, get counseling prior to getting married to get to learn what each of you want in life and whether your personalities will click in the long haul.  All relationships seem magical that first year, but then it fades.  If you are jealous and angry all the time now after only six months of dating or so, what is it going to be like a year or two from now?  I know a few teenagers who want to jump right into marriage.  Marriage is a very serious thing and I strongly believe in those vows.  Don't cheat, don't lie, don't steal and always love one another.  Some marriages fail, that's the unfortunate truth...  Be sure.

Also, don't take yourself for granted.  Don't lose yourself in self pity.  Stay active; otherwise, at the age of 30, you will be like me and feel pain in every joint and have a hard time walking.  You may be skinny now...but that changes in the blink of an eye.  :)  LOL - I used to have no shape and was a thin as a stick that had broken off of a rosebush.  yeah....that changed.

Most importantly, say "I'm sorry"  Despite how you may feel, there are going to be times that you are going to be wrong.  Don't try to blame your errors on others.  Just say "I'm sorry" and move on.  It's amazing what those two words can mean and heal.

So...while you are enjoying your youth and believing that you know everything...just realize that you aren't the first batch of teenagers and 20 somethings that have ever walked this planet.  Know that we've made the same mistakes and am only trying to help you avoid what generations before you couldn't avoid.  Don't let your pride and arrogance destroy you.  You do not only hurt yourself in this thing called life...you hurt everyone around you.

Live.
Laugh.
Love.
Remain Honest.
Remain Faithful.
Value Education.
Stay in Shape.
Stay Healthy.

I do not know it all.  But, I do know what hurts and realize where I made my mistakes in life, how I made those mistakes and how I had hurt people in the past.  Like my profile says...I have had my heart broken and have broken hearts as well.

Thank you for reading this blog.

This is just something that I had to say because of the attitudes of so many in high school and recent grads have.  You'll understand one of these days.  One of these days, you'll write a blog just like this one.  And you'll laugh and say that you turned into one of your parents despite making the promise to yourself that you'd never be "them"

Be well. 

July 9th, 2006

Wow - I can't believe that it's been over two years since I had last been to this site and posted anything.  If I have fans who frequent this site, I'm sorry for such a long drought of words.

What can I say?!  The past 2.5 years have been so hectic in so many ways.  The last time that I had entered anything, $2.75 was still considered WAY too much for gas.  At the time of writing this post, gas is now at $4.19 a gallon.  What we wouldn't give for those $2 days now...

Another thing that has happened during the last couple of years....the Economy!!!  How can I describe it?!  At the beginning of the year of 2008, I had my dream job as a CAD Technician and worked for a small land surveying company.  The housing market took a great dive first with the highest recorded foreclosures ever recorded.  That little bit of trivia is what cost my job along with other surveyors.  No progress, no surveys.  No home sales, no surveys.  No surveys, no CAD Tech to draw the surveys. 

 2008 has been a harsh year.  I've worked 6 weeks this entire year.  When gas shot up to $4/gallon, it was as though so many businesses applied the brakes and trying to ride out the rough seas.  Many people have been laid off....if they haven't lost their jobs first due to a bankrupt business or a business moving out of the country.  A friend of mine lost her job while the whole department of a major lender of student loans moved to India and Pueto Rico in June 2008.

In 2008, nearly 500,000 people filed for unemployment.  One week ago, I had read the headline on the front page of USA Today, that stocks have fallen the worst this summer since the Great Depression.  Our President says that we are just in a "slow down" and not a recession.  Hell, I can't even afford the gas to drive to numerous job interviews.  Then again, there aren't many places interviewing now.  The cost of fuel has gone up, the cost for natural gas is going up just in time for this upcoming winter, the price of food has drastically gone up, our state's sales tax was increased another 1%, property taxes are out of control, food tax went up another 1% and insurance rates seem to be going up as well.  It's been sad days.  I'm trying my best to hang in there and wait this stuff out.  Things have got to get better, right?

 Also at this writing, California is burning severely.  Numerous wildfires were ignited by a severe lightning storm a couple of weeks ago.  I will be surprised if there is any of the state left after the last ember is extinguished.  They are also experiencing a drought in that area.

Just so many, many, many things going on.

I did find a match though - I met my boyfriend in May 2006 and we've been together for 2 years now.  It's been a great match and the story of our meeting and how we met would fill a novel, so I will just end my blog on that note.

All things do improve in life....it is only a matter of whether we are patient enough to see the road through or not.

The Pendulum Never Ceases
I've neglected this blog page for too long. So today, I am copying and pasting another blog that I've been updating the past.

In Life Again
1/20/2006 5:31:49 PM
Ok, ok, ok... I can finally say that I've given in to the cliches... I've got back out there, I've got on the horse again, I've joined the world of the living and any other little one liner you can use on someone who's allowed themselves to become a shut-in to the world.

I must say that I'm quite a reluctant person, especially after what I've been through in 2005. It's hard for me to talk to people. It's hard for me to even let anyone near me again. What's the point?

Well, you'd be proud of me this evening, world... I actually met up with someone this evening and had a live conversation. Not an online chat, not a phone conversation and not made up words in a poem.

It was good to be out among the living again. I probably came across as some weird hick. I'm not as elegant as I write...a little rough around the edges. I've quite a little personality on me :o) ha But regardless, it was good to meet with someone face-to-face.

Someone told me at work today, that I was a true diamond in the rough. He cheered me on to say that I was a wonderful person and had such great qualities that anyone would be lucky to find. He said that I really needed to get out in life to allow myself to be found. Perhaps it was that little bit of advice and cheering on that I received today that made me decide, very spur of the moment, to go out tonight. It's nice when there are some people who notice that I'm here. It's always nice to receive a "hi" from someone at work or for someone to politely hold the door for me at the store. It's nice to know that I exist. Lately, I've felt like nothing more than a ghost...like a cold chill in the room that some could feel and others were oblivious to. Nice to know that this ghost has a reflection at times.

Eh, this probably doesn't make sense, but what is the point of it anyway...this is a blog. I do not really know the point of the blog other than to blurt out what is on my mind and to allow you into my world word by word.

Bare with me world. Let this pendulum keep swinging. For every low point a pendulum has, it has two high points on each side. I guess that means that there will always be more happiness to conteract the sadness in life.


A Cold and Empty Wind
1/18/2006 3:30:46 PM
Today was your typical Indiana winter day... However, what makes this day unusual: the past several days have been in the 50's and near 60 degrees. Such beautiful days!

Yesterday, the temp was 50 degrees at 6:30 in the morning only to tumble and deliver rain turning to sleet turning to snow last night.

This morning...mayhem.

The interstate was nothing more than a congested sheet of ice. So many slide offs, so many wrecks. Some people who'll never see their destinations, never clock in at work nor hug their loved ones after a hard day...

And as if this morning's numerous tragedies were nothing more than a fairytale...the temperatures are returning to the middle 50's tomorrow...

It's hard to make sense of it, I guess. True, people will talk of global warming, others will talk about the "end of days" and others will have conspiracy theories on why nature is acting the way it is.

I have no theories nor explanations.

It does remind me of life though...of the simple human condition.

We can swing from one extreme to the next without warning. We can be delivered grief or joy within hours of one another. We can be broken by things that are invisible to ourselves. A heart that was once so warm and carefree can suddenly become cold and dark. Days that felt as though they'd last forever can succumb to the darkest and longest nights.

This cold snap reminded me that I need to live. You never know what will happen from one day to the next. I know that line is cliche and so dreadfully, dreadfully overused. But, how many of us truly live by that creed? I'm sure that we all neglect something or someone at some point in our lives that we'd regret if something were to happen.

So, if this touched you in any way, I hope that you give that someone special an extra hug just because and tell your loved ones and friends that you appreciate them. Call them out of the blue, mail them an actual hand written letter or stop by to visit them.

At this time of year when we are depressed, it is always great to no that someone does care.

I know of a man whom died on his way to work nearly 2 years ago. Slid on black ice...never saw it coming. It was a shock to everyone. Don't leave someone out of your life.



Indecision
1/14/2006 6:36:31 PM
Well... I've decided that I am not going to risk the gamble of getting a CDL license. I'd have to quit my job just to be able to take the two week training and if I didn't pass the test, I'd be _______.

So, I'm just wondering what my purpose is in life...aren't we all???? :o) I'm sort of anxious to see what story that I next play in...what stage that my feet will walk across and what audience will applaud or boo me.

The year of 2005 was a hard and yet interesting year when it comes to stories. I do not know why I had thought that it would have been so easy to get through the year. I'm praying that 2006 will be a better year. A better year for me, a better year for my friends and family and a better year for everyone else out there who may have felt any sort of suffering in 2005.

Perhaps you find this small blog amusing, interesting or maybe you just happend to stumble across my words in your random searches on a vast net.

I will leave you with this thought: If we're never willing to read the next line, then how will we know if the current line holds any meaning? We must always go forward.

Mood:  chillin'
Change, change, change... It is the one thing that remains constant in our lives...a constant hipocracy. How can change be a constant fixture?

Anyway, enough of the word puzzles and ponderings of a poetic mind. I'm looking at changing my life and I hope that I can move on to the road that I am now looking for. Sitting in an office environment is hard for me. I used to travel and loved it. Sitting in a windowless environment underneath flickering fluorescent ghosts and tending to a time clock isn't my ideal of how I wish to spend the rest of my life. Retirement is so far away for someone my age. Being 26 years old, I have many years still before me.

I've decided that I'd like to leap back into my traveling world and enter trucking. It would fit me perfectly and allow me to be out from the flickering, away from that time clock and away from the people who like to bitch and moan and play office politics and stab you in the back.

If this works out for me and I go through the training and hire on, I will update the blog on this page.

Maybe I will happen upon my destined road in life. I would like to own my own business someday; however, all is accomplished through little steps.

I've met with some great hurt in 2005 and I've recently decided to end my search for that perfect match. Perfection is finding the lesser flaws. Nothing is ever perfect in this life. Those we love will hurt us and we'll hurt the ones we love. I guess that perfection would exist in forgiveness. It seems that doesn't exist among hearts these days. Comments made and never remembered and memories that are nothing but made up dreams to mask our pains or to help fuel them.

I had thought that I was very happy recently. So many things pointed toward one, singular direction. Suddenly, the road disappeared into the tall reeds and I sank beneath the dark waters. Trust is precious with me and it disappeared.

So - I wouldn't say that I'm running away from my issues.

I've wanted to go into this world for many years now. I was born to be a traveler...a gypsy upon robes of the world.

Someone will find my heart who was meant to find it.

All we can do in life, is to continue dreaming and hoping.

Here's to hoping that 2006 meets all of us with happiness. This wish even goes out to those who've hurt me and to those I may have hurt in this life.

The Down hill of the Rollercoaster
Mood:  sad
OK world, I am back to post more about feelings and ramblings. Needless to say, the happiness that I had written about in my last post (November 15, 2005) did not last; and, I was conveniently dumped the Sunday before Christmas.

At first, I was crushed. Who wouldn't have been? But, it took me a good few days to wait the rollercoaster out and bounce back into life. When I trust someone, I trust them without doubt and it's a devestating blow to the soul when that trust is yanked out and treated like an old, dusty rug.

So, I am back in life and meeting people again and just letting life come to me as it has in the past. I will, one day, meet my better match out there and start the life that I would like to achieve.

I had the week of hell though. Within a time frame of 48 hours of my suddenly being dumped, I became very ill with the flu that was going around and my water pipes had all frozen in my house. I had no water for 3 days and I missed two days of work. I couldn't eat, had a fever, coughing, sneezing and a sore throat. During those first days, it was hard to believe that life moves on. So much bad luck when there was previously so much good luck that was happening.

All things their reason.

Three weeks before I was dumped, we went to Las Vegas. It was a stressful trip and one that shouldn't have been taken. I was invited to the wedding of a carnival friend of mine. I didn't want to go out there alone for the weekend and he had said that he had always wanted to go.

There was no time to do anything.

For New Year's Eve, I hosted a big party at my house for our bike club. It sucked going through the holidays alone, but hey - I had a few beers, it was my house and I had fun. I'm thankful for this new year and look forward to what it may bring.

The Roller Coaster that we call Life
OK - so.... I've neglected this blog for quite time now. What changes this little poet has seen since the beginning of July of 2005!!

First off, a five-year relationship ended and that left me to fend for my own. I have a very large and very old farm house that requires a lot of attention and it was just overwhelming.

So - being newly single, I first just enjoyed the time to myself and then moved on to the internet dating sites. They were worthless. The first site that I visited was e-harmony. I chose this one because a high school friend of mine had just recently gotten married and they had met through e-harmony. To make that story a little stranger, it turns out that the groom is a cousin to me... I never knew he and his family existed and we all lived close! I learned this at the wedding itself.

I filled in all of the questions that e-harmony requests of its users and then waited. It was slow and even though I asked for matches in my home state, there were many from North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and Florida that were matched with me. This was a grueling process because you do not get to see pictures right away...you have to go through all of these steps before you can even have open communication through e-mail. I was tired of being paired up with people across the country.

My next stop was to match.com This was a little better because you got to look at profiles and pictures prior to communication. In addition, this site also showed you who had looked at your profile. Again, this site was rather slow. I did meet someone through match.com and went out on a couple of dates; however, it ended in disaster. Newsworthy disaster you could say. Wow.

I was just to the end of my rope and everything and anything was just going wrong all at once. I didn't know which way was up and if down even existed.

The house work was getting to me and my job was taxing on me. However, during the course of the summer while I was looking through the match sites and just tending to my normal life, someone had sent me an instant message through aol. They were bored and looking for someone to talk to and ran a keyword search of "motorcycles" and I happened to be online. We talked about many things from cars, trucks, motorcycles to festivals and also compared notes on the match sites. We'd always share stories about being stood up and what we missed most about a happy life. As it turned out, we lived in the same state, so we had more to talk about.

During the course of my greatest depression, this online friend wanted to meet with me and to cheer me up. I was dangerously depressed and didn't really want to meet with anyone, but at the same time, didn't want to just rot away inside my house either and become bitter.

I mentioned a festival that was going on in my town and we made arrangements to meet at the local wal-mart. According to him, he was only 3 years older than me and I was trusting that the picture on his profile was accurate.

While sitting in the parking lot area that I had described, a minivan pulled up with a gray-haired man with a sack from DQ. I thought "Oh, God...how do I get out of this one?" LOL, the timing was just horrible.

But, the real guy showed up who I had talked to online in a completely different vehicle and I had to laugh.

I won't lie - it was rather awkward to meet a perfect stranger. Even though we had talked often online, we were still strangers in every sense.

The meeting went well and I laughed again the first time in a couple of weeks. I pulled out of my depression. Turned out that we had many things in common - even the same birthday - which I had found that funny.

It's just over 100 miles between our two homes and he wanted to meet with me again to have dinner during the week. Sure, why not.

That is how the summer went. I changed everything in my life and when I had given up on life, it hadn't given up on me and now I am very happy and with someone who I feel is the best match I could have ever found (though I did not find this one). LOL This was just one of those chance meetings that worked out and I'm glad that it did.

Funny how everything seems to just happen when they need to happen the most. I was very down on myself and felt as though the world was falling down around me. Now, I'm smiling, happy and talking to people again.

It's not a very romantic story - but that is how it had happened. It's funny too because I had planned on dropping AOL this past spring. Hmmm, that just brings up all those "what-ifs" What if I wasn't online at that moment during the search? What if I had dropped AOL? What if I had decided to stay home and not talk to the world?

So dear world, I shall end this blog here. It really has no purpose nor any rhyme, but that is just how my summer went...if anyone does so care.

Dirty Chrome
Mood:  lucky
OK - yesterday, I took my motorcycle on a long trip on my own. I was looking forward to this trip and watched the weather (because it was very hot and humid). The TV dopplar showed clear skies - no rains and the news sites online stated this love comment "scattered storms???" Yes, the ? was in the forecast.
So, I put on my shorts and the leather chaps on over them and packed my leather coat and gloves in my saddlebags and headed off for the 90 mile one way trip. When I merged from one major interstate to another, I saw the sky getting black in the distance. I pulled over and put on my leather jacket and gloves to be safe...though miserable in the 90 degree heat.
Not long after that, the rain set in. Not a misting, not sprinkles, not even a shower...but full on wrath of God 40 days and 40 nights flood the world rain. A gust of wind came from behind me and I could literally feel myself and the bike being picked up from the road and moved sideways while on the interstate. I thought "Oh, no!"
I fought with the bike and managed to keep the tires down and shiny side up (in other words...I kept the bike right side up).
I stopped on the shoulder and sat on my bike so close to the interstate under and overpass. I didn't have flashers, so I was grabbing the brake handle and making the brake light flash. The rain was horizontal. It was massive. It was hard to sit on the bike but I didn't want to put it on its kickstand because it was so windy.
When the wind eased up a bit, I got back onto the interstate. The rain was really something still.
The rain eased up and I saw this amazing sky. It was totally black to my left (West) and then it was this rusty orange color like the setting sun...though it was five or more hours from sunset. I really thought that I was going to drive out of the storm...I had thought that I had seen the worst of if. Then BOOM - the rain and wind kicks in again. It starts stinging through my leather jacket, gloves and chaps. I think that this was the pea-sized hail the news would talk about later.
You couldn't see anything. The rain was so heavy. The wind was incredible. Fighting the wind, I pulled over again to an overpass. Then, cars started to honk on the interstate and northbound and southboun interstate traffic turned on their flashers, parked their vehicles and then fled to seek shelter under the overpass columns and everywhere else up and down the road. And then there's little ol' girlie me holding my 500+ lbs bike up.
Turns out, that a tornado had touched down very near there. The wind gusts, alone, were recorded at 91 mph.
I got back onto the interstate and made it to my destination. What really made me mad...it was sunny and dry where I was going. It was one of those ironic twists that pull at your strings.
I looked my bike over for hail damage once I got home. Luckily, the worst thing on that bike right now is just dirty chrome. I hope that I'm never in a storm like that again. It was very vicious. Very vicious indeed. I wouldn't have even wanted to be in a car driving through that storm.
RVs and semis were blown off of the same stretch of interstate that I was on. It's humbling to think about...

Thoughts on a dreary Saturday
Mood:  a-ok
OK, so I officially started a blog as opposed to writing everything on my home page. I never much understood these things - but I guess that they are helpful and fun in the process.

Yesterday, I attended a wedding of someone I've known since I was in elementary school. It's amazing how you fall out of touch with people even though you live so close. While there, I saw two other old friends I've not seen in many years. We all lived so close all these years. We were all different people, different ages, different interests; yet, we all shared one common friend. She was an elderly woman who loved life dearly and was more active than any young person. She had her gardens, compost pile, took walk through fields searching for those elusive arrow heads. She took ill a couple of years ago. I've not seen her for a couple of years. I visited many times in the hospital; however, it just tore me up. I've never seen her so frail in my life. I've had intentions of going to the nursing home, I've just never made it. I guess I'm just trying to keep what memories I have as they are. I will see her though.

If it weren't for the friends that I've just mentioned above, I would probably be a much different person than who I am now. I've stayed out of trouble and respected people. They were the first to ever read my poetry when I started writing...and believe me...it was horrible poetry but they encouraged me.

Definately not your typical group of friends you would expect to have through elementary to high school. It was so great to see part of the group restored yesterday at the wedding...I thought that would never happen again in this lifetime since all had gone their own ways over the last 10 years. I've known them for 17 years. Being that I'm 26 now, that is a big chunk of my life and memories.

That is what I am thinking on this dreary Saturday morning. Now, I must get ready and go to the license branch. :o( I bought a new car and must now get the plates for it. I dread spending that money, but what can you do about it? Oh well. No matter what you do in life, you have to pay - whether that be monetary, emotional or physical...we all have to pay one way or the other.